Let me begin this with I love what I do. I couldn't be more blessed. I used to be afraid of who I'd become, I used to be afraid of change, I used to believe that if either these happened I'd somehow lose a piece of myself, that I couldn't change for the good, that I would lose some of my kindness, gentleness, tenderness of heart, etc.
But wow in the last 13 years I've experienced all of above a lot. I'm proud to say that I am not the same woman who entered Laos 13 years ago. I'm no longer scared or at least not as scared of change, I've grown in confidence, strength, character, and while I may have lost my sense of naiveness I have not lost my innocence but continue to grow in my love for the Father. I am bolder, wiser and stronger than I ever thought I could be, and sometimes I'm afraid in a good way, like in awe of how He was able to take this child who thought the world would break her and mend her into His vessel for His will.
Guys, He loves us and guess what He loves our passions...
I'm an internal processor which means my brain never stops! I'm constantly thinking through conversations that will never happen, quotes I want to share or experiences I want to explain but lately I hear a gentle whisper "Be still, my child." I used to think that being still meant physically still. I stink at that but now I think it might mean "Forget your conversations dear child. Even if no one else ever knows them I do. Child I am enough for you." Be still for me is equated with the realization that though I never feel like enough He makes me enough and while physically being still is good so is mentally. How many of you are mentally still? How many of you are okay with pausing your own thoughts to live in the moment, to access does it really need to be spoken or is it more important if I listen and am there. As a whole person tuned in..
A friend awhile ago got me hooked on Richard Rohr and this was in one of His devotions-"Only vulnerability forces us beyond ourselves. Whenever we see true pain, most of us are drawn out of our own preoccupations and want to take away the pain. For example, when we rush toward a hurting child, we also rush toward the suffering God. We want to take the suffering in our arms. That’s why so many saints wanted to get near suffering—because as they said again and again, they meet Christ there. It “saved” them from their smaller untrue self."
I've been learning to balance my needs with others, when to rush in, when to let go and to remember I am not God and thank God for that.
If you look at the title of this post you'd think what does this have to do with the price of eggs.
You see I was going to write about all the trivial things I ran into today that frustrated me, a dirty fridge with cake and something spilled down the side, difficulty of getting groceries, eggs breaking so I only got one, missing how much more I can get for my money food wise in America but on my way to the cafe to write me I was struck by something else, shame.
That's right you see I was trying to put my eggs on my motorbike and one broke. So I was cleaning it at the sink of the store and threw away the broken one. A worker there at the store dug it out of the trash and gave it to a friend. At first I was disgusted, but then I felt a little ashamed. I mean it was only cracked a little bit but I couldn't, I'm privileged to be able to throw away the broken egg and so are a good portion of you reading this but then I thought
I'm that broken egg at times and the Father humbly pulls me out of the trash and wipes me off saying I'm not done with you.
While today was overwhelming and sometimes life here is just more work, you also feel the value of things and realize what's important to you.
Yesterday when I got out I had a wonderful evening with friends, dinner, sunset over the river and board games. Apparently since my going away party for the summer where we played board games it's become a weekly tradition. I look forward to spending more Fridays in community with these friends.
It's people not things that will matter in the long run and while I struggle to unpack my house as I didn't fully unpack before I came to America I realize I am so blessed. You see I have a friend who loves to organize, which has never been my strengths but a wise friend once said when we see a strength in others that is a weakness in us and ask them for help it makes them feel honored. The Father created us for this. If we all had the same weakness or strength would we really be able to engage in vulnerability.
I'm learning to be okay with asking for help but also what I can do on my own through His strength. I am proud of the woman He continues to form me into and what I continue to accomplish and dream because He is my prize and my eyes are set on bringing a little heaven to this earth.
I'm thankful for the people and experiences who have and continue to mold me. Thankful for those in America and those in Lao who continue to sharpen and refine me.
Thank you for your continued prayers! May I see things through heavens eyes.
"Till we meet, till we meet, till we meet at Jesus feet! God be with you till we meet again!"
My toilet seat officially has seen better days good thing I know how to squat till I can get that fixed!
The mess in my fridge
