Children and God

It's been awhile since I've updated this and a lot of life has happened but I felt this long post needed to be shared:


You know how kids just can’t get enough of you? Your children hang-on you, constantly want your attention and many of my friends can’t even pee without their children being present. It’s exhausting. Those of you who have children know this all too well and I hear about it often but that doesn’t stop my longing for my own children.

I spend all day with children and I come home wishing I had my own and a spouse to share things with, but that’s not my reality. Robin Williams once said "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone” So whether one feels alone because you’re single, married or because of the stress of your struggles God meets us there. I know I am getting old because I have read so many books this past year that I have begun forgetting the titles. I can quote them but I can’t tell you where I got it from, although I can usually tell you the author. Perhaps one of my favorites was by Elisabeth Elliot on loneliness. She spoke of how in all 3 of her marriages she felt lonely in different ways. I believe loneliness is a result of sin entering the world and we all feel it at times.

We often talk about God as our Father but do we ever see him as our spouse mother, sister, brother, or even child?

Strangely enough these past few weeks I’ve seen him as more of a child. Children are inquisitive, accepting and just want to be with you. They are grateful for anything, whether it’s kind words, candy, time with them, creating memories or just nurturing them when they don’t feel good. God is that way too.

He accepts us. He curls up in our arms. He cuddles on the couch beside us when we are alone. He wants that time with us. He loves when we discover new ways of sharing Him and ministering to others. He wants to please us, after all it says he wants to give good things to those He loves in the Bible.

He writes the thank you note, that just simply says I love you, there are no strings attached. He cries ugly tears when the day or world is just too much not because it’s too much for him but because He has compassion and he’s the God who sees. He wants to jump on the trampoline and show us his newest technique to love our friends and enemies. He wants to be heard.

Children live for each day, moment by moment. They only see the immediate needs for the most part. And when life gets rough they cry out. He wants us to be thankful, playful and enjoy life and He did all these things and does them WITH us.

Have you ever seen children plotting a surprise? That’s how God is, constantly thinking of creative ways and saying how can I help my people? How can they feel more loved?

This past week has been a lot for various reasons. And I’ve struggled with feeling needy and the weight of can I do this thing called life?

But he showed up in my lowest moments with friends who reminded me of children. Jess came over and helped me organize my room and get rid of all the little things as well as pack after her busy day at work. Children also love to organize and want to help. Children do that all the time in the classroom.

He showed up in serving- My friend Heather listened as I tried to separate fact from fiction in my mind and rationally make a plan for the week. Both her and Jess even did my laundry for me. Just like how God is eager to help and give me good things so I can be the best me, my best friends were/are.

Tuesday was a lot. To be honest at the end of the day as I got home I didn’t even want to go on. It took a lot of energy to make it through that evening and Wednesday with the pressures of this world but I was reminded even Moses and Elijah felt that way at points.

Moses in Numbers 11:11-15 said “Why pick on me, to give me the burden of a people like this? Are they my children? Am I their father? Is that why you have given me the job of nursing them along like babies until we get to the land you promised their ancestors? Where am I supposed to get meat for all these people? For they weep to me saying, ‘Give us meat!’ I can’t carry this nation by myself! The load is far too heavy! If you are going to treat me like this, please kill me right now; it will be a kindness! Let me out of this impossible situation!”Children also aren’t afraid to ask for help when life gets rough, just like Moses. He wants us to ask for help.

Just like Elijah in 1 Kings 19:4 as he runs away from someone trying to kill him, the weight becomes too much. “Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day, and sat down under a broom bush and prayed that he might die.“I’ve had enough,” he told the Lord. “Take away my life. I’ve got to die sometime, and it might as well be now.”

He has gotten me through a lot of impossible situations. However, I felt like Moses and Elijah last week and I am making it through. He sent provisions, but even Moses wanted to die at some point because carrying any weight of this world is too much for our human bodies. That’s why He gives us friends.

We don’t talk about these passages enough but I believe for most people the world gets too much and these thoughts race in our head, I know at least they do in mine. How can I feed a nation when I can’t feed myself? How can I provide when I am so tired I don’t want to go on? Well friends the answer is you CAN'T! We have to turn our eyes to Jesus.

I sat this morning talking with a friend in another state on the phone about how I saw God as a child. We talked about my struggles and I came to the realization that I just feel so needy sometimes. I am not afraid to ask for help because I need it but I am afraid of being greedy. I see so much greed around me that I am trying to ask myself some questions first. Is this an immediate need? Is this a want? How does not having or having this affect my ability to work and minister to others? Giving is easy, asking can be really hard. I fear rejection, judgment, criticism or an inability for others to relate, making me more lonely.

Asking for clarity and help as I learn the American work system is one thing, but asking it for my physical needs is another. It’s hard.

I believe that God asked for things. He didn’t need to but He did, that’s why He had 12 disciples. So as I continue to pay off my car I choose to believe He is going to provide and if He doesn’t that doesn’t mean He loves me any less. I choose to believe that He accepts me like a child and asks me questions constantly to realign me with faith and strength me. I am trying to choose to be content with what I do have rather than worry about what I don’t.

I am making a conscious choice to see the ways He provides like the teacher sneaking up behind me as I helped her out with duty the other day and setting her head on my shoulder and arms as she whispered thank you in my ear. The co-worker who sent me a text saying something along the lines of “I know things are rough right now, but I am proud of you and admire the way you keep pushing along.” My principal gave me 30 minutes to figure out some last minute details of moving. Another coworker offered to bring me my microwavable lunch when I ran out of time to even heat it up because I was trying to make sure I had water in my new apartment. And various other ways this week that He provided my Manna when I didn’t want to go on.

So friends if you’re anxious, if you’re tired come to him like it says in Mathew 11:27-30 "Everything has been entrusted to me by my Father. Only the Father knows the Son, and the Father is known only by the Son and by those to whom the Son reveals him. Come to me and I will give you rest—all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke. Wear my yoke—for it fits perfectly—and let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; for I give you only light burdens.”

For me he is giving me glimpses of the Son. Most of my friends are married and I’m on about my fourth round of seeing people married, have children and longing for a family of my own. While I don’t have one right now I still dream of it.

If you listen to podcasts about people doing things for the kingdom of God you always hear about spouses and how they wouldn’t have made it through without them or how he provided a new spouse for a widow. I have yet to hear one about a person single in ministry. I know so many who have made and still continue to make an impact. So whether you are single, married, have children, lost children or just need a reminder. He meets us and says it’s okay to grieve what you don’t have. I meet you in your grief.

He says I am the spouse that curls next to you to make you feel secure, I am that child who accepts you without strings, I am that mother who lulls your tears, I am that Father who directs your ways, I am the brother/sister who wants to play. He is all we need and today I am doing my best to make the conscious choice to believe this and hope you do too! Even if you can't, He still loves you and meets you in your neediness.

Great is His Faithfulness His Mercies are New Every Morning

 Not too long after I wrote the Price of Eggs my computer was stolen. It just seems like since I arrived it's been one thing after another. I then moved into a new house but they wanted the years rent I was only able to pay for 4 months. I scrougged to save money at the end of  August beginning of September until my friend gave me options.

 She said "Kathryn, worst case scenario you can move in with my girls and I. Tell her you have paid through December you can either pay her again then or you can move out and she can find a new tenant. " I was relieved, I had options, life didn't seem so overwhelming. Then the lockdown hit hard with strict standards. I am alone again. 

While all this is overwhelming I find my joy in my Father and am reminded through my local Fellowship of Lamentations 3:21-23 "Yet there is one ray of hope: his compassion never ends. It is only the Father's mercies that have kept us from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his loving-kindness begins afresh each day." I need that right now. Someone else gave me a good idea of how to find my computer but with the lockdowns and fines I can't right now. Still hoping that He will make all things beautiful in His Time!

The Price of Eggs

 Let me begin this with I love what I do. I couldn't be more blessed. I used to be afraid of who I'd become, I used to be afraid of change, I used to believe that if either these happened I'd somehow lose a piece of myself, that I couldn't change for the good, that I would lose some of my kindness, gentleness, tenderness of heart, etc.

But wow in the last 13 years I've experienced all of above a lot. I'm proud to say that I am not the same woman who entered Laos 13 years ago. I'm no longer scared or at least not as scared of change, I've grown in confidence, strength, character, and while I may have lost my sense of naiveness I have not lost my innocence but continue to grow in my love for the Father. I am bolder, wiser and stronger than I ever thought I could be, and sometimes I'm afraid in a good way, like in awe of how He was able to take this child who thought the world would break her and mend her into His vessel for His will.

Guys, He loves us and guess what He loves our passions... 

I'm an internal processor which means my brain never stops! I'm constantly thinking through conversations that will never happen, quotes I want to share or experiences I want to explain but lately I hear a gentle whisper "Be still, my child." I used to think that being still meant physically still. I stink at that but now I think it might mean "Forget your conversations dear child. Even if no one else ever knows them I do. Child I am enough for you." Be still for me is equated with the realization that though I never feel like enough He makes me enough and while physically being still is good so is mentally. How many of you are mentally still? How many of you are okay with pausing your own thoughts to live in the moment, to access does it really need to be spoken or is it more important if I listen and am there. As a whole person tuned in.. 

A friend awhile ago got me hooked on Richard Rohr and this was in one of His devotions-"Only vulnerability forces us beyond ourselves. Whenever we see true pain, most of us are drawn out of our own preoccupations and want to take away the pain. For example, when we rush toward a hurting child, we also rush toward the suffering God. We want to take the suffering in our arms. That’s why so many saints wanted to get near suffering—because as they said again and again, they meet Christ there. It “saved” them from their smaller untrue self."

I've been learning to balance my needs with others, when to rush in, when to let go and to remember I am not God and thank God for that.

If you look at the title of this post you'd think what does this have to do with the price of eggs. 

You see I was going to write about all the trivial things I ran into today that frustrated me, a dirty fridge with cake and something spilled down the side, difficulty of getting groceries, eggs breaking so I only got one, missing how much more I can get for my money food wise in America but on my way to the cafe to write me I was struck by something else, shame.

That's right you see I was trying to put my eggs on my motorbike and one broke. So I was cleaning it at the sink of the store and threw away the broken one. A worker there at the store dug it out of the trash and gave it to a friend. At first I was disgusted, but then I felt a little ashamed. I mean it was only cracked a little bit but I couldn't, I'm privileged to be able to throw away the broken egg and so are a good portion of you reading this but then I thought

I'm that broken egg at times and the Father humbly pulls me out of the trash and wipes me off saying I'm not done with you. 

While today was overwhelming and sometimes life here is just more work, you also feel the value of things and realize what's important to you.

Yesterday when I got out I had a wonderful evening with friends, dinner, sunset over the river and board games. Apparently since my going away party for the summer where we played board games it's become a weekly tradition.  I look forward to spending more Fridays in community with these friends. 

It's people not things that will matter in the long run and while I struggle to unpack my house as I didn't fully unpack before I came to America I realize I am so blessed. You see I have a friend who loves to organize, which has never been my strengths but a wise friend once said when we see a strength in others that is a weakness in us and ask them for help it makes them feel honored. The Father created us for this. If we all had the same weakness or strength would we really be able to engage in vulnerability.

I'm learning to be okay with asking for help but also what I can do on my own through His strength. I am proud of the woman He continues to form me into and what I continue to accomplish and dream because He is my prize and my eyes are set on bringing a little heaven to this earth.

I'm thankful for the people and experiences who have and continue to mold me. Thankful for those in America and those in Lao who continue to sharpen and refine me. 

Thank you for your continued prayers! May I see things through heavens eyes.

"Till we meet, till we meet, till we meet at Jesus feet! God be with you till we meet again!"

My groceries that cost me about $30

My toilet seat officially has seen better days good thing I know how to squat till I can get that fixed!

Spilled cake

The mess in my fridge

All this to say I am still happy to have had someone watch my house while I was gone and keep it quite clean. I mean if a little mess in the fridge is all that happened I guess I shouldn't complain. The toilet seat is all my own doing but it will be mended in due time!

Grace

 These past two months have been a whirlwind. I miraculously made it to America and back to Laos. Two years apart changes a person. However, I was met with grace on both sides. Time changes a person but so does love. I was overwhelmed by so many things but perhaps the biggest thing was people's kindness and grace. People often when I told them of things that happened would reply you're a more gracious person than I would have been, or man you look at things with such grace. I owe that to my father. He always taught me that it was better to be gracious than right and strived to live that example. Both my heavenly Father and earthly one emit that radiance. I couldn't have that perspective without them. So remember when trials come or faced with adversary it is better to be gracious than right and hopefully when the tides are turned the people you showed grace to will show it back. Thankful for such wonderful people in my life on both sides of the globe. This is only possible by His grace not my own. May I live to honor Him alone!

Planting and Growing

I often go and visit my friends Minnie and Mary. I have actually become closer to her sister Dani. Mary and her kids sat inside watching t.v. I was bored I wanted to do something so I came outside and began helping Minnie. She is the 50 or 60 year old mother.  I never had the opportunity of seeing Minnie teach. She was my boss for a long time but her English is miniscule. However, she tries. As I helped her plant the eggplant. I struggled. I ran back and forth to get more from Dani. I wasn't burying the roots enough. I was  avoiding the red ants and continually flicking them off my gloves and my poor Crocs were sinking into the mud. Minnie was kind. "Oh, Kathryn your doing so good. Wow! Just amazing came out of her mouth." I knew that I was creating more work rather than helping but she genuinely was proud of her American daughter for trying.

I think that's often how the Father feels about us. We're messy, we make things complicated, but all He sees is we're trying.  

A few weeks later I would go back and we would be preparing for Vietnamese New Year. Mary's mother in law would remake and rewrap almost every Khaimouk I made. It was hard, I'd laugh and feel distraught but wouldn't give up. When I was almost in tears they made me take a break and Dani showed me how the eggplants I had helped with were growing. Minnie again called them the eggplants I had grown. I laughed and spoke the truth but she only said "You did well. You'll get it just keep coming back." Of course this was all in Lao but I began to realize what a wonderful teacher she must have been.

Before she had even offered that I take the best ones from the bunch. To which I replied how about we eat them together. Afterall, not only did I not deserve the best but they would go to waste. I am one person and they are 19. How much better they would be enjoyed together. 

Again I think that's how the Father is. He would offer us it all but He knows we couldn't handle it. He patiently sits there in the middle of it with us all and shares it little by little. 

A few weeks later it was finished. They had picked it and I happened to be there. It was to be a part of our dinner, but it wasn't eggplant. It was a form of Spinach. I had thought I was growing eggplant. She handed me the bundle I had picked to wash. To be honest I wasn't sure how to wash it in the silver basin so I washed it once then dumped out the water which flooded the paved area. Dani just laughed. I washed it a second time and then left the water unsure of how to dispose of it. Yet again I was credited with "doing such a good job."

Again, it wasn't what I thought. I was graciously credited because I trust and I got to eat in the bounty of it. That is how our Father works. Things aren't often what we think they are but He knows better. He just asks that we show up, do our best and blesses us in ways we can't imagine if we choose to see him in the little things or in fact even in everything.

In this season go to Him where ever you are and remember He has better for you. He cares about you. He loves you and it's not about us but what He can do in and through us if we are willing to follow after Him. 

Will you bloom where you are planted today even if it's spinach instead of eggplant?

I Saw a Sign and it Opened Up my Eyes I Saw the Sign

 Somethings get lost in translation. Some are just fun. Whatever the deal billboards take over the city of Vientiane. Here are some of my favorites:

Signs often are blocked by poles

Covid 19 Signs

Do you want to rant or rent?

Not a sign but this tractor blocked the entrance to a shopping center. Guess you have to go in and out the exit. Random hilarous stuff like this happens all the time. 

This is my Favorite sign. It is actually for beer. I am not really a drinker but there marketing is so good. It's basically saying our product is so good even the foreigner will want it and engage. We've got the American/European, Korean and I think Japanese engaging with the Lao family. Would love to know who does their marketing?

Our equvialent of don't drink and drive. Unfortunately most don't heed to this warning and it results in a lot of deaths. 

Last but not least, they recently built these beautiful light poles down the main road leading to downtown in front of the Presidential palace. However, they block almost every sign. 

Friendships

 It's hard being plucked out of your culture, thrown into another one and not having a timeline. Most years I have the opportunity to go home once a year but not this year. Also people are always in transition here. I am thankful for what I do have and what the Father has continued to provide. I just wish that I had people I clicked with better who were like-minded. I click with a lot of non-like minded people that are single but not people my age. I find that I click easily with families just not always singles. I long for my own family but am thankful for what I have. I'm learning that sometimes we don't pick our friends they're picked for us. I am trying to learn to be more assertive but we'll see where this brings me.  All of life is a learning curve.